Sex scandals.

In an effort to liven things up around here, I thought I would tell you about some of the scandalous and debaucherous things I've been involved in at various strip clubs over the years. In rough chronological order:

At my second club ever, where I both danced and bartended, I had a rebound fling with a fellow female bartender. We regularly had sex all over the club after closing. I definitely remember doing it on stage and on the lap dance couch, but the most memorable event was the night that we had sex on top of the bar and then almost got fired because the owner needed to review the surveillance tapes from that night (because of an unrelated issue) which normally no one ever looked at. The manager took pity on us and let us sneakily erase that part of the tapes before handing them over to the owner. We'd had some pretty intense sex that night too; I'm pretty there was fisting involved.

One night in San Francisco I hit it off with a customer and we exchanged numbers and agreed to go out sometime. Later in the night his friend bought him a VIP with me, and the whole time I was dancing for him I kept thinking about making out with him. Finally I just did it! I knew I would probably get fired if I got caught but I didn't care. It was only for a minute, and I didn't get caught, and then we casually dated for a couple months after that. It was actually a pretty appropriate way to begin our relationship, since he was all about drinking expensive champagne, doing tons of cocaine, dropping crazy money on designer clothes, etc. It seems fitting that he would make out with a stripper in the champagne room.

At my going away party (when I was moving back to Portland) I had sex with a fellow stripper in the bathroom of a fancy hotel room. It was her first time doing it with a girl so that was fun.

I had a fling with one of the DJs at a club I was recently working at. I'd barely ever spoken to him before but one night he was in the club on his night off. It was a slow night and whenever I didn't have any customers to sit with I was hanging out with him and he bought me a couple drinks and was being flirty all night but I didn't take it too seriously. After the club closed I was at the bar waiting to turn in some ones and he made a comment about making out and I pulled him into the VIP room and we made out like crazy for probably an hour, while a porno was being shot out in the club! The next time we hung out was a week or so later and it was his birthday. We went out as a small group, it was a couple DJs and a couple strippers, and things got nuts! When we got back to his house we all got super wasted and the night is pretty blurry, but I know we had sex in basically every room in his house, and the other DJ had a threesome with the other two strippers, and at some points we were all fucking in the same room. We were all running around naked and it was pretty fun. That fling lasted for a month or two and I liked having someone who wasn't a customer to flirt with at work. Sometimes I would go in the DJ booth and grope him for a minute and it helped get me in the mood to be flirty with customers and make money. But he started to LIKE me and I had to break it off, plus I'd just quit that club anyway.

A few months ago I did some dances for a hot 20-something dude who was visiting from NYC. It was the very end of the night, and we ended up leaving the club at the same time, and somehow that led to us agreeing to share a cab, and then deciding to get a hotel room. Honestly the sex was not awesome, but the overall experience of getting a hotel room with a stranger was pretty hot.

Those are all that I can think of off the top of my head. I've also left work with other customers and then started dating them after that. And I've had a couple other one night stands with customers. I've also had sex with people I was dating while I was at work, like, snuck into the bathroom with them. At least once I got banged right after I got off work, in a dark doorway right next to my club's front door. What can I say, I love it when people I'm dating come to see me at work!

I'm not sure why, but I'm not so into writing here lately. I've thought about deleting this blog, but I guess I should hold onto it in case I change my mind later.

I just started bartending at my club. Or started bartending again, I guess I should say, because I also had this job in 2007-2009. I wasn't super thrilled about the idea because I know I get burned out really easily on that place, especially working slow day shifts, but I felt like I couldn't turn down a job offer. So far it's been going okay and the tips have been surprisingly decent for how slow business is these days. I often make more in tips than the dancers and then I also get an hourly wage on top of that, which always makes me feel kind of guilty. I had a customer yesterday who was infatuated with me and he tipped me probably around $60 or $70 on his drinks. I'm really hoping he'll come see me on one of my dancing shifts this weekend. He could be a good new regular. That's one of the major benefits of bartending in the same club where I dance: I basically get to advertise myself all week when I'm behind the bar and of course a lot of customers have a thing for the "good girl" with all her clothes on. My dance shifts have continued to be pretty awful lately so I'm interested to see if I can wrangle any more customers in to see me this weekend after my first week of bartending.

Seven.

Today is my seven year anniversary of being a stripper! On this day in 2004 I auditioned and got naked on stage for the first time ever. I still remember how petrified I was, the outfit I wore (oh god...clueless baby stripper), the song I danced to (Outkast-The Way You Move), the girls who were on shift (Berlin and Scout!) and how I was way more concerned about looking like an idiot in front of them than what the single customer at my stage thought about my performance. Before I went to the audition I didn't tell a single person that I was planning to do it, because I was about 70% sure that I wouldn't get hired and I didn't want to share that humiliation with anyone!

Since then I've worked at about 15 clubs in Portland and San Francisco, but I still work (off and on) at the SAME CLUB that I first worked at! I'm working there tonight!

Terrible.

Damn it's been a while since I wrote. Hardly anything interesting ever happens at my main club! It's all been pretty humdrum lately. I had a surprisingly good month in January, or least the first three weeks of January. I bought myself a new bicycle and paid off some overdue bills and sort of spent money recklessly in general. I made a plan to go to Hawaii and got really excited about it. But late January/February has been total shit so far. Here's how my shifts over the last two weeks have gone:

Sunday: Crap. Made barely anything. I don't remember the details.
Monday: Crap for the most part, but I did some dances right at the very end so it was mediocre I guess.
Friday: I was really sick with a terrible cold and had to call in.
Sunday: Crap. Basically no customers. I made $50 after stage fee and tip out.
Monday: The biggest piece of shit ever. ACTUALLY no customers. I mean, the club had three customers total from 8pm to midnight, and none of them tipped the dancers. I'm not exaggerating. I cried in the dressing room between my sets and finally decided to break the rules and leave at midnight, without a single dollar. Actually I suppose I'm in the hole because I imagine I'll still have to pay the stage fee next time I go in.
Wednesday: I was supposed to work but I gave my shift away to go to a friend's birthday party, assuming I would be able to pick up a shift on Tuesday, Thursday, or Friday. But I wasn't able to, so now I haven't worked all week.

This blows!

Crack.

Once upon a time, I smoked crack in the men's room at Magic Gardens (a strip club I worked at) with a customer. It was sort of an accident. I was under the impression that there would be regular cocaine, so I joined the customer and the bartender in the bathroom. But instead they were smoking crack. I figured I might as well try it. Why not? But I thought it was kinda boring, and not nearly as appealing as setting up lines and snorting them (I was a semi-regular user of blow back then). The bartender stepped out to check on the bar, and the customer asked me to give him a handjob. I said no way, and got out of there. That was four years ago and it was my one and only experience with crack, don't worry.

Last night that same customer came into my club and recognized me immediately. I didn't recognize him at all. He was telling me that he's totally clean and sober now and that he was really messed up back then on crack and other things. When I went on stage after he told me that I was thinking about it and I started to put it together who he was. He ended up being an awesome customer! All night long, every time I went on stage he tipped me at least $20 in ones. Dollar bills were all over the stage and I was rolling around naked on them, feeling kinda glamorous. There were only two dancers so I was on stage every three songs. He also bought a bunch of dances and tipped me an extra $20 for each round. He's pretty much my new favorite customer. I hope I see him again!

Music.

Last night was miserably slow. I wasn't expecting much since it was new years day, but still, it was saturday night! My best customer of the night was a gay man who made it rain when I played Rihanna for him. I also got a pretty nice tip from someone else for dancing to Hot Chip. That's one of the best things about working in a small club; we have a jukebox instead of a DJ (pretty common in Portland). We can put our own CDs in the jukebox so we have total control over our music, and we get to dance to stuff you don't normally hear in strip clubs.

These are my three favorite songs to dance to right now:

Sometimes being a bitch pays off.

I guess it's been a while since I last wrote. I took an impromptu trip to New York for the holidays and to see a man friend, so I had some much-needed time off work. I flew back to Portland on xmas night and missed the blizzard by hours which was kind of disappointing because I really wanted to have a snowy xmas in New York, and I'm sure I could've used a few more days of forced vacation. One of the highlights of my trip was going to a strip club in Brooklyn called Pumps. I pretty much loved it and immediately started dreaming of moving to Brooklyn and working there. It was small and kind of divey like a lot of Portland strip clubs, but it was set up totally differently, with the stage behind the bar and the only seating in the club was at the bar so all customers were basically forced to sit at the stage unless they wanted to stand awkwardly along the back wall or whatever. The dancers kinda did their own thing on stage, twirled around the poles and watched themselves in the mirror, and then they came off stage and walked around behind the bar at some point during each song asking everyone for tips. Maybe it's not always like this, but the night we were there it looked like everyone was tipping. I mean, how can you say no when a hot girl is standing there waiting to collect a dollar from you with her tits? I'm sure some douchebags do it though.

Since I've been back I've been feeling pretty refreshed and my shifts have been going a little better. Good thing, since I spent all my rent money in New York even though my pee customer from San Francisco sent me some cash for my trip. My most recent shift started out SUPER annoying though. It was extra slow and in the first two hours I think I made around eight dollars. One of the few customers we had during this entire time was a bar regular named Ray. I don't remember why exactly but I know I dislike him from some past interaction. Since there was no one else to talk to I decided to give him a second chance but he kept groping my thigh to poke at my freckles and was just being generally annoying. He's one of those assholes who claims to be good friends with the owner. I can't fucking STAND those customers. They always think they're entitled to special treatment/free drinks/discounts on dances/etc. He overheard me talking to the bartender about how I hadn't even made my stage fee yet and he claimed he was gonna talk to the owner and tell him I should be exempt from stage fees because I'm such an asset to the club. Yeah right. Oh and he also offered to get me a job at Sassy's (another strip club) because he's supposedly good friends with the owners there too. He was at the club for over an hour and tipped me a grand total of four dollars. He kept coming up to the stage to say things like "Wow! Looking good!" but then not even tipping me! WTF? Finally he came to the stage and interrupted me dancing for an actual customer to tell me he was leaving, and he goes "Can I just get a quick twinkle?". I stared at him blankly for a minute and finally asked "Did you really say twinkle? What the hell is that?", and he said, "I just want a quick look at your pussy before I go". Yeah right! And, TWINKLE?!? Who says that??? I asked him, "Are you serious? NO! You've tipped me four dollars total and I've danced for about 12 songs since you've been here!". He whined, "But I bought you a drink..." as he sulked out the door. I yelled out after him, "Drinks don't pay my fucking rent!" UGH! What a DOUCHE!

Then we finally got a few people in there and I started my next set with maybe six customers sitting at the stage; it was a small group and a couple. Things were looking up, but then I danced the entire first song without receiving any tips. Finally at the end one person put one single dollar on stage. I kinda snapped. I loudly announced, "Listen, people! Just like in every other strip club in pretty much the entire world, dancers work for tips only and tipping at least a dollar per person per song is mandatory if you wanna sit at the stage! I'm PRETTY sure most of you know that!". I was so pissed, I was barely holding it together to not flip out and totally yell. This was right after Ray had left so I was still on edge from that, plus I was really annoyed that I was still in the negative after two hours of work. Bizarrely, no one got up and left the stage. Everyone apologized and pulled out their money and threw down dollars for the first song and for the next one that was starting too. The lady of the couple even put down two five dollar bills. From that point on the money flowed all night and it was effortless and magical. All of the customers that I'd snapped at ended up being really nice, and the couple stayed for quite a while, tipping fives the whole time. When they left we got more groups of nice, easy customers. Every set I was making $20-30 and there were only two dancers so I was on stage every few songs. Neither of us did any lap dances all night but it was the best stage tips I'd made in a shift in a LONG time.